Money as a Couple

As I sat down to write this article, I started brainstorming the financial advice I’d offer couples, and, honestly, the biggest money disagreements my husband and I have navigated over the years. There were so many moments to pull from, it was hard to pick just one!

My husband and I have been married for 15 years now (and together for 21 – where did the time go?!). When we first started dating, we were both fresh out of college, pretty broke, and just trying to figure things out. We definitely found ourselves deep in debt in our twenties and had to really dig our way out. Since we’ve both been self-employed our entire marriage, we understand the ups and downs of variable income firsthand. And, for much of that time, we’ve even worked together!

Through all of it, we’ve managed to pay off hundreds of thousands of dollars of debt, built and successfully exited a business, and grown a real estate portfolio. But our proudest accomplishment, by far, is raising our three incredible kids. It’s been a busy journey, to say the least!

What I’ve come to know for sure is this:

Finding a partner who shares your long-term vision is incredibly important. The day-to-day details of how you get there can always be worked out.
Working together as a financial team will get you much further, much faster.

One of the most concerning phrases I often hear in relationships is, “He/she is the money person.”

Here’s the truth: There cannot be just one “money person” in a partnership. And there are a few crucial reasons why…

Why? For a few crucial reasons:

Immense Pressure: Piling all the financial responsibility onto one person is an unfair burden.
Lack of Transparency & Trust: When only one person handles the money, the other might not fully know the household’s financial picture – income, expenses, debts. This lack of transparency can unfortunately lead to “financial infidelity,” where secrets are kept, and trust can seriously erode.
Unequal Power & Decision-Making: Imagine one partner constantly feeling they need approval to spend, or a saver trying to rein in a spender when only one manages the money. This imbalance can breed resentment and endless friction.
Difficulty Achieving Shared Goals: If one partner is making all the financial decisions, it’s harder to truly work together toward big dreams like buying a home or retirement, because decisions might not reflect both partners’ aspirations.
Increased Risk in Crisis: What happens if the primary money manager gets sick, loses their job, or passes away? The other partner could be left completely unprepared and overwhelmed. Shared responsibility builds resilience, helping you navigate life’s inevitable curveballs together.

In fact, research backs this up. A 2023 study by university researchers found that couples who combined their accounts were more satisfied with money in their relationships. They also discovered that couples with joint finances were more aligned with their goals, more transparent, and talked about money more frequently.

Okay, so it makes sense for both partners to be involved. But what happens when you don’t see eye-to-eye?

First, understand that this is completely normal! Many of our deepest “money scripts” – how we view and handle money – are formed in childhood. So, your upbringing and how your parents managed money will play a HUGE role in your own habits and beliefs. When you bring all that smarts, baggage, and personal history into a relationship, it’s no wonder that financial discussions can get a little heated or dicey.

Common disagreements often include:

Spenders vs. Savers: One person loves enjoying purchases now, the other prefers saving for the future.
Risk Tolerance: One is comfortable with investing, the other prefers a safer approach.
Control Issues: One partner might feel their spending is dictated or that they have less say.
Hidden Debt or Financial Infidelity: Keeping financial secrets can be a massive breach of trust.
Poor Communication: Not talking openly about money leads to misunderstandings and resentment.
Short-term vs. Long-term Priorities: One wants a vacation now, the other wants to save for retirement.
Differing Values: One might be debt-averse, while the other is okay borrowing for certain things.
Unequal Contributions: Feeling like one person is carrying more of the financial or emotional load.
Financial Stress: Job loss or unexpected expenses can amplify existing money tension.
Family of Origin: Childhood money experiences often clash between partners.
Inability to Compromise: Struggling to find common ground on budgets or spending.
No Common Goals: Not discussing or aligning on shared financial aspirations.

The list goes on, and these disagreements are a big deal. Money stress and arguments are consistently one of the top reasons couples get divorced.

So, what’s the solution? You need to have a “money date.” This is a dedicated, intentional time where you both come prepared to share your goals and discuss how you can work together to achieve them. Sounds romantic, right?

Tips for an Effective Financial Discussion:

Choose the right time and place: Find a quiet, comfortable spot free from distractions.
Have an agenda: This keeps the conversation focused and moving forward.
Be prepared: Bring any necessary documents or information.
Be honest and vulnerable: Share your true financial situation and feelings.
Listen actively: Pay attention to your partner’s perspective and validate their feelings.
Avoid judgment: Focus on understanding, not criticizing.
Be patient: Financial conversations can be sensitive; allow time for processing.
Seek professional guidance: If needed, consider a financial coach or therapist.

Here’s a simple structure for your monthly money date (no more than 60 minutes):

Start with a compliment: “I really appreciate you getting the kids signed up for that camp!”
Review your income, expenses, investments, and debt: Are you on track? Any changes?
Review the upcoming month(s): Any birthdays, trips, or big expenses to plan for?
Discuss bigger topics (limit to 1-2): Is there a specific financial decision or concern you need to address?
Celebrate your wins: No matter how small, acknowledge your progress!
End on a positive note and schedule your next meeting.

See, that wasn’t so bad, right? And it gets easier the more you do it!

If you want to dive deeper into improving your relationship as a couple with money, I highly recommend grabbing a copy of Ramit Sethi’s book, Money for Couples.

It’s truly remarkable what happens when both people in the boat start rowing in the same direction. I’d love to hear from you – what’s something you and your spouse do regarding your finances that really works for you? Share your wisdom!